I would post the thing here but I some of the people i want to rant about are redditors. I will pm it to those who comment, I would appreciate if it stayed private.

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. More background on myself for context? I'm seventeen years old, male, and have lived my entire life in a ridiculously white suburb in texas. I am indian.

I guess lets start with my parents. They came from nothing - both of them were born in rural india and they somehow managed to find their way to texas and have my elder brother and me. They both worked at the time and so anything in regards to homework help, or even life help was out of the question. If i wasn't uncomfortable, there was no problem to them. As a result, I wasn't taught how to tie my shoes until I was in middle school - ridiculed for that quite a bit, but i got over it. I was never taught how to ride a bike. Neither of my parents can do it, so they figured why teach me? My brother had a friends dad teach him, and so i guess my parents felt that I should just figure it out. Never did really, never learned how to ride a bike. I didn't even realize that for pretty much every summer in my life I stayed indoors.

And then extended family? forget it. I hear about family constantly here in texas, cousins are so cool... grandparents are the bomb... I haven't seen a single family member other than mom/dad/brother since i was in first grade. The concept is completely foreign to me and it just feels like i'm missing out on a huge part of life. Furthermore, I couldn't see them even if i wanted to. They're literally scattered all over the world; no family reunion will ever happen.

Lets talk about my dad. he's a good guy, made a life for himself out of nothing and i really do love him. He can't socialize at all. He can't even fucking order fast food. He's not even awkward, i don't understand it. my family was never invited to parties or social gatherings... I pretty much just stayed inside with no clue how to really talk to people.

And then my mom? I love her too, she's great, but jesus fucking christ I can't stand her anymore. She said she quit her job when i was in junior high to help with my brother and i's life. BULLSHIT. she ended up becoming a "daytrader". She sits on her fucking ass for upwards of 18 hours a day talking to random shits on the internet and listening to seminars. She does fucking nothing, and as a result my dad gets home, has to clean the house and sometimes cook food. It's put a strain on our entire house. And the topper? She lost 25 fucking thousand dollars last year. No regrets from her. And then there's the yelling. She yells so fucking much it's unbearable. I don't think i've heard her talk normally to me in years. And then there's her "perfect" complex where she is never at fault. If i'm talking to her and she makes a mistake it's my fault. If i'm even near her and she fucks up its my fault. I really do feel like punching a wall when i'm around her, and i'm normally a calm guy.

I love my brother too. He's a tech guru, but that's literally all he fucking does. He came back from university over the winter break and all he does is game. Seriously, he wakes up at ten pm and goes to bed at 7 am. And on top of that i constantly get compared to him. piano...soccer...academics...social life... my parents insist he is better than me at everything and why can't i just equal him. fucking hurts... I think i've hugged my family less than ten times total.

And then me. I developed trichotillomania (hair pulling) when i was around the end of grade school. That shit was fucking hell. I quit swimming, i quit soccer, i quit chess because of it. I had girls run up to me and yell "EEEWWW" to my face. That shit fucking hurt, it still does. I ended up wearing a wig for 2 years. I was suicidal as fuck and i remember promising myself i'd be dead before highschool. Not feeling that way anymore but i basically developed zero social skills during that time.
I ended up controlling my trich from freshman to my junior year, life was actually pretty great apart from a few things here and there. I made friends, even if i was never invited anywhere, or really ever hung out with them outside of school. Then i took the PSAT and ended up being named a national merit semifinalist. Yaay, right? fuck that. My grades are shit and I basically act like an idiot throughout highschool to avoid the indian stereotype. Now that i had that title my friends call me garbage, an idiot, a dumbass. All jokingly of course, but it still stings. Took the SAT and ACT and ended up scoring top 1% without any practice. Same result... everyone calls me a lucky idiot, even people who i haven't talked to in years telling me this. It's not like i could just find new friends when its every fucking person i know who thinks this.
I can't focus for shit in school. I don't take notes because I can't. I end up doing 2 lines of shit notes and then drawing shitty spirals or staring at a wall for an hour. I think i have some form of ADHD but my parents refused to get me tested because they believe i just need to "stop being lazy". I started to really notice race a few years ago. There was one indian kid that everyone in the school despises. He was short, had a higher than normal voice, and was extremely extroverted. People gave him all kinds of shit and the only reason i can find is that he's indian. He isn't annoying and he's a good guy. And then i realized that I am just a different version of this guy to some of my friends. I see the smirks when i begin talking, the eye rolls, the fake laughs. Even the teachers do it. For example, in my computer science class a brochure came because of my national merit status and the teacher (a fat white guy) opens it. First he notes that there is about 80% females in the pictures, and then says if i go there i might be lucky enough to catch a girl on "her rebound". I laughed it off of course, but that fucking stung. I know i'm not the most attractive, but it just feels i wouldn't have to go through this shit if i was white. And then relationships? ha. No girls go for indian guys, all i get are eye rolls. "Is he really talking to me" or I realize the girl is just being nice and doesn't even want to be platonic friends. Fucking stupid as hell, i'm not overweight, i've never had acne, my hair is almost completely normal again. I try to be a good guy too, I pretty much gave up on actively searching out girls a while ago. One reason really, I realized that i'm that kind of idiot that can fall for someone even if they just speak to me. And i don't stop falling. I've had 4 crushes in 17 years. time span on those sucks, and i don't know what i could even do about that. This year i thought i met a really nice girl. I talked to her once for about 30min and told myself not to talk to her again. I fucking knew i would begin to like her. I tried to avoid her, I really did. When i was in my school's college center she would come sit next to me and chat up. She joined some of the clubs i was in. She had talked about starting a club when we first started talking and when i brought it up again she told me she could get it started in under a month. She fucking got that club procedure shit done the day after i showed interest in it. At this point I thought she must like me, and i was obviously fairly smitten with her too. Then i realized she has a lot of guy friends. As in more than i have, and i realized she acts pretty similar around them. In fact, she's even more fun when she's around my friends, she hardly pays attention to me when we're in a group. On the other hand, she's pretty much the only female friend I have at the moment. I was planning on asking her to prom, but now i've pussied out because i think i read the hints wrong. No way a girl like her doesn't already have a boyfriend. When i first met her i didn't even think she was out of my league, but now i just don't know. I'm having a really hard time controlling my trich now and my confidence is approaching zero... Right now i'm basically looking for adderall to help me study and weed to help me relax. Have found places to get it but i haven't balled the fuck up and done them yet... i just don't know.

I guess i also didn't mention that i'm a closet atheist and am forced to go to church weekly because my parents have explicitly said they won't pay if i'm not catholic. Also didn't mention how i got T-boned in my first ever car drive (during drivers ed) and ended up with neither of my parents willing to drive with me because they think i'm a shit driver even though the accident wasn't my fault.

18 in under a month and i guess i'll just try to see how college goes...

If you got this far, thank you.

/r/offmychest Thread