The sound of thunder rattled in my chest. The trees cast shadows across my bedroom floor, swaying in the wind and jumping at every flash of lightning. I could swear they were reaching hands, getting closer and closer to my bed. An explosion of lightning hit the transformer in front of my house and my Winnie the Pooh nightlight flickered off. I pulled the covers up over my head, tucked my feet up as close as I could, and held my favorite stuffed puppy tighter. Trembling, whimpering, I whisper to Mr. Cuddles, “I…I wish I wasn’t afraid anymore.”
…
“You just need to loosen up,” I say as I sip my gin and tonic.
“Gee, thanks, I hadn’t thought about it like that. So, what you’re telling me is, don’t freak out? Wow, that’s downright enlightening. You should write a book.” Hand shaking, he picked up his bottle and took a long drink. “I just don’t know how you do it,” said Eric dejectedly.
“Just try not to worry so much and go for it. Girls love confidence.”
“Nope, I can’t do it.”
“Why not? What could you possibly be afraid of?”
“Oh, I don’t know, she could think I’m gross, turn me down, and humiliate me publicly. And then I’ll just go home, jack off, and cry myself to sleep. And then she’ll tell all her friends and no one will ever love me. I’ll grow old and alone while all of my friends start families, and they’ll stop hanging out with me, and I’ll just never leave my apartment again, and I’ll order cactuses online, care for them obsessively, and call them my babies. One day I’ll die and no one will notice and then all my cactuses will die too and there will be nothing left of me in the world.”
“Is that all?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
I laugh dismissively and scan the room, wondering how it’s possible to be so fatalistic. That’s when I see her. “Wow,” I mutter.
“What? Her?” Eric asks.
“Yeah, isn’t she beautiful?”
“I guess so. Jesus, wipe that look off your face. You’re drooling.”
“Sorry. I’ll be right back,” I say.
“Ok, fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be here. I can start browsing for cactuses,” he mumbles as he pulls out his phone.
I walk up to her and say, “Hey there, my name’s Mark. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Uhh… sorry, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I mean, I’m just here with my girlfriend. I mean friend! I like men, usually. I’m just not interested… thanks though,” flustered, she turns back to her drink.
“No worries, have a nice evening.” I smile at her and return to my friend.
“Well that was fast. Went well, I take it?” Eric says sarcastically, without looking up from his phone.
“I don’t see you talking to anyone. Why don’t you give it a try?” I ask.
Ignoring my question, he finishes his drink, slams it on the table, and shows me a picture on his phone. “What do you think of this one? It’s called an echeveria lilacina. I think I’ll name it Kate…”