I have an extensive history of trauma, so I have a lot of trouble with trust and being truly emotionally invested in relationships. In pretty much every relationship I've had, I've always been the cold one, always the one subconsciously creating distance, always the one refusing to share and express my feelings honestly, and always the one to end things. I have a strong tendency to completely cut people off and jump ship simply because they've hurt me or betrayed my trust in some minor way, even when they didn't mean to. It's usually because I'm scared -- the closer you get to people, the easier it is for them to hurt you, and even the tiniest yellow flags are like blaring alarms for me. I go to great, often unreasonable and harmful lengths to avoid experiencing that kind of pain again. I have truly loved a handful of people, but it's usually been pushed down so far under my cool, hard surface that no one really knows it's there, sometimes including me.

This tends to involve a whole truckload of guilt. The last thing I want to be careless with other people's hearts or toy with their emotions. I just want to love and be loved like everyone else does. But it's complicated. Because of my profound fears and mistrust, I have ended up deeply hurting a number of people. People say cliché things like "if someone really loves you, they'd never leave you" or "you can't have love without trust" and it feels like a punch in the face every time. I do love. And I love hard. But this pain I feel and inflict is a cross I have to bear.