And thus we begin a darker tale, one concerning a young lady who truly loved ponies more than any other. Her name was Pony Princess (no relation), and her parents, Sir Bradley Pittsburgh and Aunt Jemima Jolie, were affluent city hipsters on a family road trip with their darling daughter. Pony Princess loved ponies very much, and begged her parents to let her ride the pony one more time.
Unbeknownst to them, the owners of Ponies R Us were, in fact, "allergic" to the number 11. The owners, Adamus Phillia and EVA Bush Carter, both had a very rare genetic mutation; the processing centers of their brains were incapable of comprehending the positive integer between 10 and 12. If they ever encountered anything that had a numerical value that equaled 11,they would go into something called "haptic shock", in which the sensory nerves in every square inch of their bodies would glitch out and experience the sensation of having very hot, very greasy, vibrating joysticks firmly pressing into their skin from all sides. For the owners of Ponies R Us, this is a very uncomfortable and slightly traumatic event that doesn't get easier to tolerate no matter how often it happens.
Thus, Adamus and EVA implanted Bluetooth-operated bombs into the skulls of all their ponies. This served as a purely retaliatory measure against little girls who happened to love ponies enough to go on an eleventh ride. Their preventative measure involved crafting a sign meant to sell the illusion of there being only 10 integers in existence (despite the prices directly contradicting this notion), and casual prayer. Unfortunately for Pony Princess, these preventative measures were ineffective.
It was on a cloudy day in March that Pony and her parents went to Ponies R Us for an afternoon of fun. The moment came when Pony went for that fateful eleventh ride, her parents walking beside her. It came without warning; SCHBLAM!
9 years passed before the woman once known as Pony Princess awoke from her coma, lost and confused. She soon learned that 1) both her parents were killed by the explosion, 2) her left arm was missing due to her petting the pony the moment its head exploded, and 3) she has a devilishly long fragment of pony skull embedded into the middle of her forehead.
Swearing vengeance against Ponies R Us, the woman took on a new name: Venomous Unicorn. She would then embark on a journey across warzones like Afghanistan and Nigeria to recruit soldiers for her war against Ponies R Us. This militia would form the basis of the hidden rogue mercenary nation now known as Unicornia. (Such a pretty sight to see!) To this day, Unicornia and Ponies R Us (which changed its name to Ponies At War, but still gives bomb-infested pony rides to little girls all over the world) are still at war. A war that is being fought on all fronts, from the shadows of global conflicts, to the floor of US Congress. Which side will you support? The furious unicorn princess who is already a demon? Or the zany owners of a pony-riding business whose side hobbies include using eloquent mental gymnastics to cope with and/or deny the existence of 7/11 stores? Choose wisely, and make a donation today!