Believe me when I say your sentiment is over represented in my headspace. You're saying nothing new, nothing I haven't considered and reconsidered thousands of times. I think you want the world to be fair, so you shame people like me who claim to have no control because admitting that I might be helpless would mean the world isn't fair, and you don't want to live in such a world. Just world fallacy, I think is what the kids are calling it. What I call helplessness you undoubtedly would call victimhood, which is one reason I started retreating away from society; comments like that really, really bruise me.

Believe me, I tried to get better for a long, long time now. You say "nothing can stop me from blah blah blah" but I did that blah blah blah for a loooonnnggg time. And now I'm just worn out. I have no desires other than to stop the suffering. But I don't think that's possible so a more accurate statement would be: I have no desires. No drive. No motivation. How would you implant drive in me, pray tell? It's hard to not think about only "me me me" when I have panic attacks every fucking day. When I live in constant fear, constant LITERAL disconnect from reality, visual disturbances, anger, rage. Honestly people like you make me sick. I know it's not wise to get angry over a random comment on the internet but I've had it up to fucking HERE with people talking out of their shit holes without any independent thought. I've had it up to HERE with being respectful and reticent around constant criticism. I've been hurt by so many people in my life, starting with my fucking schizophrenic mother at age 0, who never provided me any sense of safety or affection. I'm not going to be a reticent little good citizen anymore.

I've spent so much time being looked down upon by people whose ideas were informed by nothing but the social mores of the time. You believe so strongly in your ideas because it's the narrative that's being passed around the social space ever since you were born, like a fucking head cold. That's all the reference you have because human beings amass knowledge from culture, not from independent thought. Have you ever stripped down ideas to their very core and worked your way up? Or do you work from top to bottom when making brilliant statements like "Nothing is stopping you from putting in the effort to get better and to surround yourself with a healthier environment... Only your own self-pity excuses." Seriously, what the fuck does self pity mean? You assign a negative morality to self pity, but why? If people are capable of accurately evaluating their situations, and if they can have pity for other human beings, than what the fuck? I'll tell you what the fuck. Self pity is considered wrong because in people who are still "able to be helped" (by which I really mean able to resume their role of maintaining the machine that is a society, a machine they never asked to be part of, by the way), it galvanizes them, via the delivery system of shame, to change their situation. Shame is a really powerful motivator to make someone continue helping their arbitrary society and existence survive. But some people can't function. Through no fault of their own, they're broken. Free will is a fucking myth. Thus, responsibility is a myth. At least in the sense of a sort of morality being attached to responsibility. If you can't change your situation, there can be no LOGICAL shame. Here, let me help you out a bit.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroscience_of_free_will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65e2qScV_K8

Humanity is fucking disgusting. There's a percentage of the population that, because of a combination of genetics and very early childhood experiences are incapable of living a productive or meaningful life. Because human beings simultaneously know nothing and think they know everything, these people are forced to live a life of guilt and loneliness. If we were in the 13th century Europe you would tell me that I need to believe in the good lord and the bad feelings would go away. If I still didn't get better, you would tell me that I'm a bad christian. Maybe send me to a lunatic asylum where I would undoubtedly spend the rest of my days in agony. And all because I was FORCIBLY born into a world where my mental health fate was decided by an early age by how my mother treated me, and then being again FORCED to follow arbitrary social rules whose only function is to sustain this completely arbitrary and unfair society. I'm sick and tired of you people.