Porn discussion

Are you intimate and close to your wife emotionally? Does she really understand how you feel? My SO and I have an ongoing problem with libido and often it descends into some sort of power game which is what it sounds like is going on here. He has told me in the past that he thinks I am frigid which just made me so angry as I have always had a very strong interest in sex and used to often masturbate several times a day. What I have found is that my sex drive comes and goes. I'm at the stage where I think it is hormonal and I don't really know how to control it. I find myself on about a quarterly schedule - for about 1 week every 3 months I am horny as hell. I just can't get enough.

For the rest of the time there are periods where I could go about 6 weeks before I really miss it. I try not to because I know it is very, very bad for our marriage.

It has got to the point where my SO doesn't even trust it when I am horny because he knows it will go again.

There were several things that added to my LL (if it even is LL). I found trying to get pregnant awful and stressful, pregnancy worse and childbirth / parenthood a killer! I found it impossible to separate motherly non sexual love from being horny and started mothering my husband. I could give him cuddles but it felt wrong to desire him. I also resented his ability to switch it on and off. He was so desperate for sexual attention I would find it childish and needy. We got angry at each other. He also doesn't deal with stress well and likes to distract himself from his worries with sex. I felt used. Sex also seemed like something that was done TO me, rather than being something we did together.

Anyway, we're working through things. Strangely I would say porn is helping us. My SO has never told me about watching porn without me but I'm sure he does. We have started watching it together and we've be able to talk more about what we both like. My kids are getting older and I'm starting to reclaim my sexuality. I initiate more and have more sex on my terms, not just his. I find I like to do more to please him when it is sometimes my idea - rather than just giving in to his demands (not that he demanded but whining about not getting laid isn't sexy).

I know what your wife means about not wanting to schedule it. I always thought it should be all about the passion too and it was passion we were lacking which I found depressing. I've realised that we can try to create our own passion.

I used to know that when I was rejecting him it was painful to him (and that I would hate to have him treat me the same way!!) but I couldn't find the spark that would make me want sex. Sometimes when I did it anyway with him it would be horrible for me: my body would just not respond. I would be dry and sore and feeling resentment and he would be having empty sex. The joy in it for him is seeing my pleasure and feeling desired so I felt I couldn't win when I just didn't want it.

We are still working on it but I would say if you are having problems before children and many years together you need to really think about how things are going to be in the future. If you love each other you need to find a way to work at it together without being angry. It was the anger and resentment which made things worse for us for a while and it has been setting them aside and thinking 'life is to short' not to enjoy what we have to give each other that has started to fix things.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread